Inner Demon - Fairy Tails

My inner demons have been my inner hell these last months.

Yes things are looking up, a new place to live. A boyfriend that means the world to me, cares and understands me and what I am going through. But the inner demons of the past come alive every now and then, and bite me in the back of the heels of my feet.

One thing about leaving a 10 year relationship that was comprised of lies and fake promises, It comes back to haunt you in the worst ways. When starting a new relationship you automatically going to compare. But I must say I have been pretty good at not doing that. The thing that my inner demons pick at is things like, when he goes out with his friends. I think and panic that he is seeing another guy. Stupid, stupid shit like that. It’s something I need to work with, fight with. And be at piece that hopefully this guy won’t make promises and say sweet nothings to only stab me in the back. I am just so glad he understands what I am going through. And I try to be very good a communication. This sometimes well most times is really hard to do.

I’ve falling in love with this one song from Glee. Called “Get It Right” the one lyric that stands out right now to me, and I can totally agree with is. “what can you do, when your good isn’t good enough” isn’t it the truth? What does one do? When everything you are doing isn’t good enough, when you think it is. But this whole song I can personally relate to. All the lyrics pull on the strings of my heart.

Couple of weeks ago the boyfriend took me to Red Deer to see where he grew up and meet his friends. I was really happy to get out of the city for awhile. And man it was a lot of fun, I don’t think I have smiled that much in a long time. I hope to go back very soon.

While we where in Red Deer Benjamin (the boyfriend) taught me some basic Yoga. Seemed fun then, now we do it every night (ok, ok I’ve been slacking!) and I cried the first time we really started doing it. It isn’t easy at all. But now it’s a little fun. Back to the grind with that tomorrow!

I’ve been in a depression type mood these last couple of weeks, trying to keep myself busy from life. But needless to say, we are moving this week and boy can’t I wait. It can only get better right?

Guess life isn’t like a fairy tail (damn liars!) 

The Angel...

The moment on the Saturday I trucked my way to West Edmonton Mall to meet the guy I’ve only talked for a couple of days to on the phone. I knew something was right, it felt right. I never knew I would be moving on to someone new because I have yet, and still haven’t gotten over the last relationship.

Have you ever felt that there was a string attached to your heart and it was pulling you in the right direction? I was scared to no extent but it just felt worth it. I knew I wasn’t ready for anything, but it just happened, the world spun around me pushing me there closer and closer, I wasn’t even overly nervous to meet him, it felt like I knew him forever.

We decided to meet in Chapters. Why, well we both are really spiritual people and the new age section of the store was quite fitting if you ask me. when I got off the bus and pretty much ran to Chapters, instead of well being West Edmonton Mall and getting stuck behind ever slow person in the world. I got there, I turned the corner into the section only to see the guy that stole my heart holding a book reading to turn and smile at me. I knew right away to hug him. It felt perfect and normal and well natural to do. We did the normal looking around the mall, talking but always looking at each other like we had been dating forever but only just met those few hours ago.

I don’t think I need to explain what happened for the rest, as I am writing this today is our 3^rd month anniversary. He so understands that I still have a lot to work on with myself. To find out who I am again and take away from what the past has done to me. I guess only time will tell what goes on… I hope it’s for the best… I don’t need anymore demons to fight… I think I have enough.

Demons and a Angel....

So, I flaked out, after writing my last post which was also my first post of this blog, I flaked out. I deleted it. It was a little harsh I’m not going to lie I was in a bad place and my thoughts where not my thoughts at the time.

I guess after spending 10 years of your life with someone to see it crumble in an instant and disappear like a drop of water through the cracks of the cement you get a little on edge, you loose yourself, and I lost myself. The person I thought I knew inside and out flew out the window I looked out almost every night before bed. I’ve become the person I never strived to be. A bitch, not caring, well you get the point. I wasn’t me. But one thing I am going to say, I am not sorry for it. I am only human and learning and expanding my mind. After 10 years I learned a lot and still have a lot more to learn. Thus just a reminder to everyone that life does go on.

After 3 months of pure depression, one of the girls at work told me I need to get out there and just talk to other guys and she made me sign up for Plenty of Fish.

So I took the time to write a well not so good introduction to myself. I truthfully hate writing those things, Most of you know that. And with this I decided to let the guys come to me. I wasn’t looking for anything but a friendship, and I remember telling everyone, if I and the x didn’t work I would be single forever. So saying that I let the boys chat with me first. Well after a short week on being on plenty of fish, I got the guts to message this guy. All I said was I thought he was cute. The message I got back short, sweet and of course to the point “your cute, here is my number lets text” the reason for texting was he at work, and it was easier for him to do that, then to sit on the internet.  The rest of the week consisted of texting from 6am to 11pm then from 11pm to 3am chatting on the phone talking about different things. But have you ever had that feeling like you knew the person and seen them in person before…. I sure have…what does this future mean?...